How To Punch a Lion in the Face

lion face + fist = success!

These kings of the jungle have been roaming around for 100000 year...... let's just say a long time. Wouldn't you just love to punch one in the face for eating a poor african child?

I know i would! (that's theoretically speaking, really i would rather be yelling obscenities at it from the comforts of a safari van)

Anyway,how to punch a lion in the face. Although never attempted and strongly frowned upon by safari and wildlife experts alike, the "King" Hit basically involved a preparation, a ninja, and an "Ape Shit" strike phase.

Preparation



Preparation requires patience,awesomeness,and most importantly, pure idiocy. You need to be ready to do something that may get you killed,eaten alive, or ripped to shreds. If you survive, it'll make your friends think twice before they say, "Cat got your tongue?"


First, You need to find your Lion of choice in its natural habitat, because you'd get tackled by a zoo keeper if you tried the local zoo.

Second- Get a plane ticket to the country where your target calls home. Naturally this should come first, but you know you've done enough internet research to know where the guy's crib is.

Third- Prepare your fist. What you're about to do is use your scrawny human hand to assualt the head of a giant furry man-eating feline. Use brass knuckles, Friskies kitten bells, anything in your repertoire that you think may do the trick.

Once you arrive in the region of your target's residence, the next phase begins.



The Ninja phase is where that black suit you bought for the local Cosplay comes in handy.
In short, you need to:


1)Write meaningful letters to friends
2)Stalk your target

For these points, the sky's the limit.Ninjas stalk and pull crazy backflips, its just what they do. They may write meaningful letters to friends too, but no-one has ever seen this happen.You can't assume they don't.


The Fancy Feast F(ph)ase



This is what it all comes down to. The moment of moments. Just imagine what you're friends would say if you came back after and said what you're about to do(punch a lion in the face)

After you've completed phases 1 and 2, you need to put fist-to-fur and uppercut the shit out of Captain Whiskas. A shot to the nose or eyes should do it, or for the real special kids, a real strong shot to the back of the mouth would work wonders.


Assuming you've done it right, Tinkerbell(what you call him now) will go down like a ton of bricks. You can then begin the escape plan. If you've done it wrong, the escape plan might still work.If not, move on to the Backup Plan.

The Escape Plan

After you've punched Captain Whiskas/just had your leg ripped off, you need to get the f**k out of there. Assuming you bought a return plane ticket, just run/hop on that plane and the rest will take care of itself.



The Backup Plan



In case Captain Whiskas decides he doesn't want to be punched in the face, well then you're just out of luck.Backup plan might be surprise kick to the family jewels, but other than that i have no idea.


And That is how you would punch a lion in the face. I would highly recommend it to anyone with weak senses for sarcasm and humour, and anyone who has a deathwish to do with Safari animals.



by Gilly11