How To Punch a Lion in the Face

lion face + fist = success!

These kings of the jungle have been roaming around for 100000 year...... let's just say a long time. Wouldn't you just love to punch one in the face for eating a poor african child?

I know i would! (that's theoretically speaking, really i would rather be yelling obscenities at it from the comforts of a safari van)

Anyway,how to punch a lion in the face. Although never attempted and strongly frowned upon by safari and wildlife experts alike, the "King" Hit basically involved a preparation, a ninja, and an "Ape Shit" strike phase.

Preparation



Preparation requires patience,awesomeness,and most importantly, pure idiocy. You need to be ready to do something that may get you killed,eaten alive, or ripped to shreds. If you survive, it'll make your friends think twice before they say, "Cat got your tongue?"


First, You need to find your Lion of choice in its natural habitat, because you'd get tackled by a zoo keeper if you tried the local zoo.

Second- Get a plane ticket to the country where your target calls home. Naturally this should come first, but you know you've done enough internet research to know where the guy's crib is.

Third- Prepare your fist. What you're about to do is use your scrawny human hand to assualt the head of a giant furry man-eating feline. Use brass knuckles, Friskies kitten bells, anything in your repertoire that you think may do the trick.

Once you arrive in the region of your target's residence, the next phase begins.



The Ninja phase is where that black suit you bought for the local Cosplay comes in handy.
In short, you need to:


1)Write meaningful letters to friends
2)Stalk your target

For these points, the sky's the limit.Ninjas stalk and pull crazy backflips, its just what they do. They may write meaningful letters to friends too, but no-one has ever seen this happen.You can't assume they don't.


The Fancy Feast F(ph)ase



This is what it all comes down to. The moment of moments. Just imagine what you're friends would say if you came back after and said what you're about to do(punch a lion in the face)

After you've completed phases 1 and 2, you need to put fist-to-fur and uppercut the shit out of Captain Whiskas. A shot to the nose or eyes should do it, or for the real special kids, a real strong shot to the back of the mouth would work wonders.


Assuming you've done it right, Tinkerbell(what you call him now) will go down like a ton of bricks. You can then begin the escape plan. If you've done it wrong, the escape plan might still work.If not, move on to the Backup Plan.

The Escape Plan

After you've punched Captain Whiskas/just had your leg ripped off, you need to get the f**k out of there. Assuming you bought a return plane ticket, just run/hop on that plane and the rest will take care of itself.



The Backup Plan



In case Captain Whiskas decides he doesn't want to be punched in the face, well then you're just out of luck.Backup plan might be surprise kick to the family jewels, but other than that i have no idea.


And That is how you would punch a lion in the face. I would highly recommend it to anyone with weak senses for sarcasm and humour, and anyone who has a deathwish to do with Safari animals.



by Gilly11

How to Call Like a Woo Girl

This activity was allegedly first practiced by "Woo Girls", a group of single unemployed women featured in the sitcom "How I Met Your Mother" in Episode 8 Season 4.

Although it is stereotypically applied to females, some males could pull this move off too.We just haven't seen it done successfully. Also, "Woo Guy Call" doesn't have the same ring to it.

This basically involves, at moments in times of inebriation within a club,pub or party, yelling out "woooooooo!" in excitement,ecstasy and/or achievement.

These moments can include and are not limited to;

a good song comes on in the club
your favourite song comes on
the drugs you took finally hit you
after a jagerbomb
after a sambuca shot
after a tequila shot
after hooking up with a 0,0 while drunk.(read C-Biz* footnote for number scale details)
after pulling a drunken cartwheel
after falling over

It can be contagious(in a good way) where everyone catches on and it you feel better inside. The worst way it can be received is when you throw your arms up in the air and punch some unlucky bastard in the face.

Example of the 'call

Woo Call


*C-Biz. featuring a rating system combination, one created by Tucker Max, the other made up by some other guys.

Rating System

How To Do the Drunken Cartwheel

The Drunken Cartwheel, a popular inebriate party trick, involves attempting a real cartwheel, only to find you can't get your legs high enough, so you land in a heap on the ground and everyone laughs at you. Sometimes you actually land on your feet, which is less funny, but credible since you are drunk.

Example of a Real Cartwheel

Cartwheel 1

Cartwheel 2

Cartwheel 3


Example of a Bad Cartwheel

Bad Cartwheel


The only rule applied to the drunken cartwheel is that you must indeed be drunk, otherwise you just look retarded.

There is no judging table for the drunken cartwheel, and also no regimented way to do one.Generally the most retarded landings of a cartwheel will get you the most attention, because everyone will be laughing their heads off and trying to hand you another beer.

Examples of the Drunken Cartwheel

Drunk Cartwheel 1

Drunk Cartwheel 2

Drunk Cartwheel 3

Cartwheel


Warning; After attempting the drunken cartwheel, you may lose a shoe.

Lost Shoe

Also, beware of cars.

Cars


Want to do the drunken cartwheel?
Heres a good start.

Cartwheels Time!





by gilly11.

How To Get Awesome

From the recently joined Facebook group, "I don't get drunk, i get awesome!".


" Getting Awesome" Involves the common term known as "binge drinking" though instead of getting drunk, you turn into something quite remarkable and admirable. People see how awesome you are at "TC"** or doing the "Spastic Robot"* and try to copy it to become awesome like you, but not as awesome.

Binge Drinking, the core term in this how to, involves drinking a large amount of alcohol in a small amount of time, to induce the influence of alcohol faster. Alcohol alters the chemicals of the brain affecting judgement,reaction times, inhibitions, the nervous system, and general normal control of the body. This can be a great thing or a horrible thing depending on who you are speaking to.

Please note there is a huge difference between Binge Drinking and Getting Awesome.

Binge Drinking and Getting Awesome start the same way, but become totally different things in my opinion.

Drunk Smile

Binge drinking is what most adolescents do on a friday/saturday night, to forget about their so called "dramas" and drink large amounts of beer, wine or spirits and let their inhibitions take over and ruin and/or make their night. This is all well and good, but really, wouldn't you rather tell someone about how awesome you got last night? Don't worry, i already know the answer to that.

Who's Awesome?

Getting Awesome, however, starts the same way, with anyone who is 18 or older "getting their drink on". Everything after this is completely different. Any dance moves you are performing become effortlessly complex and amazing,your confidence level goes through the roof, and you generally feel like Captain Awesome** and/or Barney Stinson***.

Tactical Chunder
The T.C. is performed when more drinking is required, and the stomach is full. This is an optional activity involved with Getting Awesome, but is not mandatory if you can hold your drink.

Stumbling
What may look like you stumbling to get somewhere during the night is an optical illusion. In reality, you are effortlessly gliding from one place to another, leaving behind a light trail of awesomeness.

Here are some pictures that may help you see what it is to get awesome.

Products for Binge Drinking

Vodka

Shots


Example of Getting Awesome:
Robot Dance

Robot Dance 2



References

*Coined by Blak-T, a good mate of mine(real name undisclosed). Much like the cool robot dance, only visually it may look retarded. Never been attempted.

** Tactical Chunder. A popular move practiced by binge drinkers to rid the body of booze, so one feels better and can continue binge drinking. Put simply, it involves tickling the Uvala(dangly bit) at the back of your mouth until your gag reflex takes over, or just pretending you are bulimic.

** Captain Awesome from the tv series Chuck.

*** Barney Stinson from the popular sitcom, How I Met Your Mother. Played by Neil Patrick Harris.


by gilly11

How To Headbang

Headbanging is commonly associated with the metal genres of music, but can also be applied to rock, and possibly even dance, if you feel that way inclined.

Headbanging has 2 main forms;

1)Vigorously nodding your head up and down in time to music. Though with some metal genres,it may just be easier to do it at your own pace, there are no speed achievements.

2)Quickly rolling your head around, not necessarily in time with the music. This works a lot better if you have long hair. Works very well with air guitar.

Examples of type one Headbang.

One

Two

Headbanging speed usually changes with the speed that music is being played. Breakdowns, a term used specifically with metal music, involves the band playing half time(slower than normal). This is a great time to headbang slow and long, so your hair ends up in your face.

Breakdown example:


Best Breakdowns 2009

Music to headbang to


Cowboys From Hell- Pantera

Everything Went Black - The Black Dahlia Murder


Air guitar

Headbanging can be used in conjunction with the air guitar. More often than not it completes the effect desired.


Headbanging to rock music.

As rock music is not as heavy, the first kind of headbang is acceptable at any time. Air guitar can also be used here, though not necessary.