How to defeat your enemies.

(I found this image on the net. Enjoy!)

How to Go to Work for Late and Leave Early!

For this I'm going to presume that your work has a communal clock and you own a watch.



Step 1: Make your watch late.

At the start make it around 5 minutes late.

Step 2: Make your work clock fast.

around 10-15 minutes fast.

Step 3: Make people know the clock is wrong.

Start conversations about how the clock is wrong. You want to get people to not trust the clock.

Step 4: Leave when the clock says you can.

The clock says it's home time, so it's home time.

Step 5: Rock up late.

If someone questions you, rememind them the clock is wrong and that your watch is right. You'll be there just in time. This will work for a while you rocking up late and leaving early with out any problems but soon enough some one will change it back.

Step 6: Rock up late any way.

And tell them the clock is fast. Your watch says your on time so your on time.

Step 7: Stop before you get in trouble.

Show up on time for a little while then repeat the same process. Your co-workers will already know its a dodgy clock so they're going to fall for it again.



I used this trick all the time at my last job. My current job, no one has a clock or watch so it's even easyer to rock up late. The trick is to stick to your guns. The clock is wrong, your watch is right!

Signed

C-Biz
www.c-biz-says.blogspot.com

How To Do the Drunken Cartwheel

The Drunken Cartwheel, a popular inebriate party trick, involves attempting a real cartwheel, only to find you can't get your legs high enough, so you land in a heap on the ground and everyone laughs at you. Sometimes you actually land on your feet, which is less funny, but credible since you are drunk.

Example of a Real Cartwheel

Cartwheel 1

Cartwheel 2

Cartwheel 3


Example of a Bad Cartwheel

Bad Cartwheel


The only rule applied to the drunken cartwheel is that you must indeed be drunk, otherwise you just look retarded.

There is no judging table for the drunken cartwheel, and also no regimented way to do one.Generally the most retarded landings of a cartwheel will get you the most attention, because everyone will be laughing their heads off and trying to hand you another beer.

Examples of the Drunken Cartwheel

Drunk Cartwheel 1

Drunk Cartwheel 2

Drunk Cartwheel 3

Cartwheel


Warning; After attempting the drunken cartwheel, you may lose a shoe.

Lost Shoe

Also, beware of cars.

Cars


Want to do the drunken cartwheel?
Heres a good start.

Cartwheels Time!





by gilly11.

How to say "Fuck You" in (almost) 100 different ways.

Here is a list of how to say Fuck You in many different countries/languages and where you can use them. Enjoy!

Yet (Thailand)

Vinaque (Fiji)

Hundir Pelos (Puerto Rico)

Culear (Chile)

Lech Tiezdayen (Israel)

Siktir Git (Turkey)

Dairich (Scottland)

Yet Meh (Malaysia)

Jodete (Venezuela)

Fai (Tonga)

Jebiga (Croatia)

Kunats Kez (Armenia)

Sha (Mongolia)

Otha (Tamil)

As To Thialo (Greece)

Druber Rutsche (Switzerland)

Sa Te Fut (Romania)

Kefe (Samoa)

Lo (Birmania)

El Cono De Tu Madre (Dominican Republic)

Rechuncha (Peru)

Kinka Wena (Sotho)

Dorme Mecum (Latin)

Pierdol Sie (Poland)

Faen Ta Deg (Norway)

Fuck Dig (Denmark)

Anda A Cagar (Argentina)

Zkurvysyn (Czech Republic)

Haista Vittu (Finland)

Fick Dich (Germany)

Drctities (Letonia)

Foda-se (Brazil)

Chimando (Guatemala)

Pisti (Lithuania)

Knulla Dig (Sweden)

Riddu Ter (Iceland)

Vete A Singar (Cuba)

Pishov Na Khuj (Ukraine)

Ku Gihen (Oriya - India)

Ebi Se (Bulgaria)

Jebem Ti Boga (Slovenia)

Kisama (Japan)

Foda-Se (Portugal)

Yoaasher (Arabic)

Neuk Jou (Holland)

Ma Teegy Aneekik (Egypt)

Chikne (Nepal)

Ci (Laos)

Ffwc (Wales)

F'oxx (Malta)

Slinokh (Syria)

Diu (Cantonese)

Pojeb sa! (Slovakia)

Zozoter (Haiti)

Ponchar (Panama)

Ssibal (Korea)

Fage (Shanghai)

Fotre (Catalonia)

Te Qifsha (Albania)

Keppima (Estonia)

Chodela (Hindi)

Jembem Ti (Serbia)

Shegetsi (Georgia)

Fuck You (English)

Defalouter (Mauritius)

Mit Kuze Ta Na (Kurdistan)

Javla (Sweden)

Cai Deo Gi Day (Vietnam)

Bualadh Craicinn (Ireland)

Vaffanculo (Italy)

Ngentot Loe (Indonesia)

Vas Te Faire Encule (France)

Gyurcasany Takarodj (Hungary)

Poshol Nahuj (Russia)

Was (Somalia)

Putz Di (Austria)

Da Ti Fo Fukne Konj (Macedonia)

Cao Ni (Mandarin)

Unfortunately, that is not quite 100. I hope to add more to the list when I can.

The spelling may be incorrect on a few, and the pronounciation may differ on some, but this is the general list.

How to Get Drunk Super Fast.

I've never tryed this but apparently it works.

If alchol is taken like a suppository then you will get drunk super fast. To insert alchol into your arse means that it gets absorbed directly into the blood stream. This skips the liver and stomach meaning that higher alchol content is retained and you can get smashed. Reports on the internet say that 2 beers is enough to leave you struggling to walk even after you take them out.

One thing to keep in mind though is that alchol is a poison which the liver breaks down. Since you skip the liver drinking this way you are putting yourself at a much higher risk of alchol poisoning.

I've never tryed this and doubt I will but I guess if your deperate and can only affort a couple beers, who knows?

Signed

C-Biz

How To Get Awesome

From the recently joined Facebook group, "I don't get drunk, i get awesome!".


" Getting Awesome" Involves the common term known as "binge drinking" though instead of getting drunk, you turn into something quite remarkable and admirable. People see how awesome you are at "TC"** or doing the "Spastic Robot"* and try to copy it to become awesome like you, but not as awesome.

Binge Drinking, the core term in this how to, involves drinking a large amount of alcohol in a small amount of time, to induce the influence of alcohol faster. Alcohol alters the chemicals of the brain affecting judgement,reaction times, inhibitions, the nervous system, and general normal control of the body. This can be a great thing or a horrible thing depending on who you are speaking to.

Please note there is a huge difference between Binge Drinking and Getting Awesome.

Binge Drinking and Getting Awesome start the same way, but become totally different things in my opinion.

Drunk Smile

Binge drinking is what most adolescents do on a friday/saturday night, to forget about their so called "dramas" and drink large amounts of beer, wine or spirits and let their inhibitions take over and ruin and/or make their night. This is all well and good, but really, wouldn't you rather tell someone about how awesome you got last night? Don't worry, i already know the answer to that.

Who's Awesome?

Getting Awesome, however, starts the same way, with anyone who is 18 or older "getting their drink on". Everything after this is completely different. Any dance moves you are performing become effortlessly complex and amazing,your confidence level goes through the roof, and you generally feel like Captain Awesome** and/or Barney Stinson***.

Tactical Chunder
The T.C. is performed when more drinking is required, and the stomach is full. This is an optional activity involved with Getting Awesome, but is not mandatory if you can hold your drink.

Stumbling
What may look like you stumbling to get somewhere during the night is an optical illusion. In reality, you are effortlessly gliding from one place to another, leaving behind a light trail of awesomeness.

Here are some pictures that may help you see what it is to get awesome.

Products for Binge Drinking

Vodka

Shots


Example of Getting Awesome:
Robot Dance

Robot Dance 2



References

*Coined by Blak-T, a good mate of mine(real name undisclosed). Much like the cool robot dance, only visually it may look retarded. Never been attempted.

** Tactical Chunder. A popular move practiced by binge drinkers to rid the body of booze, so one feels better and can continue binge drinking. Put simply, it involves tickling the Uvala(dangly bit) at the back of your mouth until your gag reflex takes over, or just pretending you are bulimic.

** Captain Awesome from the tv series Chuck.

*** Barney Stinson from the popular sitcom, How I Met Your Mother. Played by Neil Patrick Harris.


by gilly11

How to Drink Girly Drinks Without Looking Gay.

There are a couple of ways to drink girly drinks and not look gay.

a) Drink Fast.

If the bottle is consumed in under 30 seconds, its not gay. Obviously shorter times are better and more masculin. I suggest the use of a bendy straw or beer bong to decrease drinking times.

b) Change the container.

If your drinking a cruiser out of non-see through cup, no one will ever know. Alternatively if you tip it into a Woodstock can, masculinity will actually increase.

c) Stop fondling your mates balls while drinking them.

This should probably apply to all drinks, not just girly ones.

d) Just don't drink them.

Theres a reason your worried about looking gay while drinking them and thats because you dream of plowing your mate!


Signed

C-Biz
C-Biz Says...