lion face + fist = success!
These kings of the jungle have been roaming around for 100000 year...... let's just say a long time. Wouldn't you just love to punch one in the face for eating a poor african child?
I know i would! (that's theoretically speaking, really i would rather be yelling obscenities at it from the comforts of a safari van)
Anyway,how to punch a lion in the face. Although never attempted and strongly frowned upon by safari and wildlife experts alike, the "King" Hit basically involved a preparation, a ninja, and an "Ape Shit" strike phase.
Preparation
Preparation requires patience,awesomeness,and most importantly, pure idiocy. You need to be ready to do something that may get you killed,eaten alive, or ripped to shreds. If you survive, it'll make your friends think twice before they say, "Cat got your tongue?"
First, You need to find your Lion of choice in its natural habitat, because you'd get tackled by a zoo keeper if you tried the local zoo.
Second- Get a plane ticket to the country where your target calls home. Naturally this should come first, but you know you've done enough internet research to know where the guy's crib is.
Third- Prepare your fist. What you're about to do is use your scrawny human hand to assualt the head of a giant furry man-eating feline. Use brass knuckles, Friskies kitten bells, anything in your repertoire that you think may do the trick.
Once you arrive in the region of your target's residence, the next phase begins.
The Ninja phase is where that black suit you bought for the local Cosplay comes in handy.
In short, you need to:
1)Write meaningful letters to friends
2)Stalk your target
For these points, the sky's the limit.Ninjas stalk and pull crazy backflips, its just what they do. They may write meaningful letters to friends too, but no-one has ever seen this happen.You can't assume they don't.
The Fancy Feast F(ph)ase
This is what it all comes down to. The moment of moments. Just imagine what you're friends would say if you came back after and said what you're about to do(punch a lion in the face)
After you've completed phases 1 and 2, you need to put fist-to-fur and uppercut the shit out of Captain Whiskas. A shot to the nose or eyes should do it, or for the real special kids, a real strong shot to the back of the mouth would work wonders.
Assuming you've done it right, Tinkerbell(what you call him now) will go down like a ton of bricks. You can then begin the escape plan. If you've done it wrong, the escape plan might still work.If not, move on to the Backup Plan.
The Escape Plan
After you've punched Captain Whiskas/just had your leg ripped off, you need to get the f**k out of there. Assuming you bought a return plane ticket, just run/hop on that plane and the rest will take care of itself.
The Backup Plan
In case Captain Whiskas decides he doesn't want to be punched in the face, well then you're just out of luck.Backup plan might be surprise kick to the family jewels, but other than that i have no idea.
And That is how you would punch a lion in the face. I would highly recommend it to anyone with weak senses for sarcasm and humour, and anyone who has a deathwish to do with Safari animals.
by Gilly11
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How To Punch a Lion in the Face
How to Call Like a Woo Girl
This activity was allegedly first practiced by "Woo Girls", a group of single unemployed women featured in the sitcom "How I Met Your Mother" in Episode 8 Season 4.
Although it is stereotypically applied to females, some males could pull this move off too.We just haven't seen it done successfully. Also, "Woo Guy Call" doesn't have the same ring to it.
This basically involves, at moments in times of inebriation within a club,pub or party, yelling out "woooooooo!" in excitement,ecstasy and/or achievement.
These moments can include and are not limited to;
a good song comes on in the club
your favourite song comes on
the drugs you took finally hit you
after a jagerbomb
after a sambuca shot
after a tequila shot
after hooking up with a 0,0 while drunk.(read C-Biz* footnote for number scale details)
after pulling a drunken cartwheel
after falling over
It can be contagious(in a good way) where everyone catches on and it you feel better inside. The worst way it can be received is when you throw your arms up in the air and punch some unlucky bastard in the face.
Example of the 'call
Woo Call
*C-Biz. featuring a rating system combination, one created by Tucker Max, the other made up by some other guys.
Rating System
How to defeat your enemies.
(I found this image on the net. Enjoy!) How to Go to Work for Late and Leave Early!
For this I'm going to presume that your work has a communal clock and you own a watch.
Step 1: Make your watch late.
At the start make it around 5 minutes late.
Step 2: Make your work clock fast.
around 10-15 minutes fast.
Step 3: Make people know the clock is wrong.
Start conversations about how the clock is wrong. You want to get people to not trust the clock.
Step 4: Leave when the clock says you can.
The clock says it's home time, so it's home time.
Step 5: Rock up late.
If someone questions you, rememind them the clock is wrong and that your watch is right. You'll be there just in time. This will work for a while you rocking up late and leaving early with out any problems but soon enough some one will change it back.
Step 6: Rock up late any way.
And tell them the clock is fast. Your watch says your on time so your on time.
Step 7: Stop before you get in trouble.
Show up on time for a little while then repeat the same process. Your co-workers will already know its a dodgy clock so they're going to fall for it again.
I used this trick all the time at my last job. My current job, no one has a clock or watch so it's even easyer to rock up late. The trick is to stick to your guns. The clock is wrong, your watch is right!
Signed
C-Biz
www.c-biz-says.blogspot.com
How To Do the Drunken Cartwheel
The Drunken Cartwheel, a popular inebriate party trick, involves attempting a real cartwheel, only to find you can't get your legs high enough, so you land in a heap on the ground and everyone laughs at you. Sometimes you actually land on your feet, which is less funny, but credible since you are drunk.
Example of a Real Cartwheel
Cartwheel 1
Cartwheel 2
Cartwheel 3
Example of a Bad Cartwheel
Bad Cartwheel
The only rule applied to the drunken cartwheel is that you must indeed be drunk, otherwise you just look retarded.
There is no judging table for the drunken cartwheel, and also no regimented way to do one.Generally the most retarded landings of a cartwheel will get you the most attention, because everyone will be laughing their heads off and trying to hand you another beer.
Examples of the Drunken Cartwheel
Drunk Cartwheel 1
Drunk Cartwheel 2
Drunk Cartwheel 3
Cartwheel
Warning; After attempting the drunken cartwheel, you may lose a shoe.
Lost Shoe
Also, beware of cars.
Cars
Want to do the drunken cartwheel?
Heres a good start.
Cartwheels Time!
by gilly11.
How to say "Fuck You" in (almost) 100 different ways.
How to Get Drunk Super Fast.
I've never tryed this but apparently it works.
If alchol is taken like a suppository then you will get drunk super fast. To insert alchol into your arse means that it gets absorbed directly into the blood stream. This skips the liver and stomach meaning that higher alchol content is retained and you can get smashed. Reports on the internet say that 2 beers is enough to leave you struggling to walk even after you take them out.
One thing to keep in mind though is that alchol is a poison which the liver breaks down. Since you skip the liver drinking this way you are putting yourself at a much higher risk of alchol poisoning.
I've never tryed this and doubt I will but I guess if your deperate and can only affort a couple beers, who knows?
Signed
C-Biz
